DISTRACTION 3: Dare I say this?

I’m sitting in bed with a £3.50 bottle of prosecco from Lidl. If you’re British and have any self respect, you’re already laughing smugly because afterall there’s nothing an Englishman likes more than feeling superior to his fellow man. In case, however, you’re American - or from that other nation known as the ROW - and think prosecco on a Tuesday night sounds vaguely classy, let me give you a little education.

Lidls is the supermarket for the dispossessed and never hads. Customers are almost always afflicted or downtrodden in some way - a nervous tick, lopsided face, blind with dubious sweater stains and dandruff, a leg dragging along the floor with elephant man boot - and if they happen to seem vaguely healthy then you know they're just there to stack up on cheap Parma ham. Produce is invariably from strange lands where words are joined together - superfrankensaugagedeltfrankenfurts sausages - or written in the squiggles we English speakers naturally distrust. To Americans it may say terrorist, to my mum it means the contents have been packed by people who don’t use toilet paper to wipe their bums. Either way its not good.

The only other thing worth noting about Lidls are the in-store transportation arrangements. Trolleys are obviously a big cost centre given the disincentives for using one and as for something as easily hidden under your blouse as a basket, don't be silly! Therefore your carrying options are:
1. arm cradling - not good when you're prone to sudden involuntary movements. Flying cans of sweetcorn are a constant hazard at Lidls.
2. a bag you’ve brought with you - don't be stupid. Plastic bags are ideal birthday and Christmas presents for your average Lidler and anything more durable is considered worthy of worship in a sacred place.
3. by far the most popular method, a recycled fruit box from the grocery section.

These aforementioned boxes are VERY sought after at Lidls let me tell you and you should therefore expect a fight to get your hands on one. Note normal rules of British courtesy do not apply since the only British people caught dead at Lidls are so fallen as to be the tiniest of steps away from eating their dog (they’ve usually already eaten a child but this invites relatively mild condemnation here in the UK compared to any kind of pet abuse).

And in case you still don’t understand how tragic my bottle of prosecco is, please remember we’re talking about a £3.50 ($6.30) bottle of wine and fizzy wine at that. FIZZY WINE: £3.50. Still don’t see the problem? Okeydokey darling, you enjoy your raffenstablespracht sausage and remember to watch your plastic boot in the fire tonight, won‘t you?

WHAT AM I GOING ON ABOUT?

Got a bit distracted again, didn't I? Can you tell I’ve had a glass or two? My point in all this was not actually supposed to be a supermarket critique but rather my third idea for distracting yourself from chronic illness: ALCOHOL! Yes, yes, yes.... your doctor won’t be happy, experts are probably tutting loudly as they read this but I don’t care. When you’ve got an illness, sometimes a drink - not too often mind - can help and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. When you have a chronic illness, you need and are entitled to a bit of escapism…. Now I'm not saying be irresponsible about this - absolutely not -just a little tipple now and then can be medicinal, that's all... If your doctor disagrees, tell him to contact me!

Oh and might I present a little revisionism on the Lidl thing.... I've suddenly been filled with a flush of affection for the place, perhaps that's what the third glass of £3.50 prosecco does to you. You know what? I kinda like no organic option, the opportunity to shop with my fellow sufferers, surprise items like a £9.99 Union Jack gazebo come plastic barbeque.... And lest we forget the cheap Parma ham. "Lidls: the ill person's choice..." What do you think?????

Distractions Part 2: The Lemon Meditation

Today I started an NHS course (the NHS is the UK’s public health system). It’s called the “Expert Patient’s Programme” and is all about how to self manage chronic illness. I can’t pretend I’m not cynical about it and my first day confirmed some of my preconceptions. That said, after today, I do kind of see how it may help - particularly certain people - and I guess it’s important not to judge after just one session so am going to keep an open mind for the upcoming weeks and see how things go.

The course doesn’t deal with work and chronic illness but it was encouraging - or discouraging if you look at it another way - to note the number of people raising this as an issue and echoing many of my thoughts on the matter. There was general agreement that there is not enough support to help those suffering from long term health conditions into suitable employment. Others also shared my frustration that any help available is contingent on claiming benefits (social security). If you don’t claim, you can’t access the support claimant’s receive… What madness is this? Incentivising people who don’t want/need benefits to claim because that's the only way to get other help? How does this make economic sense, or any other kind of sense for that matter? And what happens where you do apply for these benefits you didn’t want but are turned down because you’ve been prudent and saved for a rainy day? Where do you turn then? Daily champagne buffets at Claridge’s until you’ve run down you’re savings sufficiently to be eligible for benefit? The benefit you didn’t even want? The benefit you’re only claiming to see a career’s adviser who will probably make cooing noises and then suggest you apply for something completely unsuited to your skills…. I’M GOING OFF ON ONE WHICH CAN’T BE VERY GOOD FOR THOSE WHO ARE READING THIS FOR ENCOURAGEMENT THAT FINDING GOOD WORK WITH A CHRONIC ILLNESS IS POSSIBLE. I DO THINK FINDING WORK IS VERY POSSIBLE BY THE WAY (MORE IN LATER POSTS)). ANYWAY, WHAT I/WE NEED IS A DISTRACTION! SO I SAY TO YOU… LEMONS!

At the course today, we learnt something I’m calling the Lemon Meditation. It’s one of those distraction and relaxation techniques and it goes something like this:

Meditation Leader (I don’t know what to call him but he’d been trained in that cooing dove voice that women who wear crushed velvet and crystals in their knickers often have):

“Close your eyes everyone. I want you to imagine you’re holding a lemon, go on…. Imagine where you are. Where are you? Ok, now concentrate on the lemon. You’re feeling the lemon. How does it feel? Ok, good. Now take the lemon and gradually… gradually… gradually… bring it up to your nose. How does it smell? Imagine. Good, you’re doing really well. Now put the lemon to your mouth and take a BITE. Ooo, how does it taste? You feel the juice squirt against the back of your throat, the juice dribbling………………”

I’ve edited it a bit but you get the idea. I understand the logic and perhaps it works but what’s with the lemon? A LEMON? Curious citrus choice, no? Orange would have been more obvious surely. Was there a reason for the choice I wondered? Yes came the reply from Mr Meditation. Ah, ok, I thought - some deep psychotherapy cognitivitytitity thingy going on I didn’t understand. Genius! Mr Meditation continued: “everyone enjoys lemons, lemons are juicy” and… But that was it. And as I looked around the room, no-one was disagreeing - quite the opposite actually - many of the 10 or so participants were nodding in agreement.

Do I need to explain this explicitly? Please tell me I’m not the only one who doesn’t bite into lemons? Is it now common to think of a lemon as common fruit bowl offerings such as banana, apple and orange? Is it that in homes up and down the UK families fight for the prized lemon from the fruit bowl to cleanse the palate after a dinner of lard fried lard with lard? “Oh you know what I could murder? A nice raw whole lemon? I love it how after a good bite, they make your lips look like an arsehole.” Do little children go off to school carrying lunchboxes filled with Kraft cheese slices, MDF dipper sticks and rehomogenated ham shaped into a bear’s face… and that staple - a nice juicy LEMON?! Please, I need to know. This isn’t the Britain I know!

Anyway, the point was distraction and I think I’ve kind of proved I’m rather good at distracting myself… and you know what? It works! Re the meditation, please do try it and get back to me. You are free to substitute the lemon for whatever food stuff you like…. personally I love turnip.

Distractions From Your Illness: Part 1

Distraction can be a great way to “forget” your illness. So I plan on here to have some little distraction ideas on here from time to time - some silly, some serious - but all things to keep your mind off your condition...

How to distract yourself from your illness?

As bad as work can be when you’re ill - and it can be tough - having nothing to do can be worse, oh yes it can! You have more time to think about everything that’s not as it was and perhaps worse, time to focus on your pain or discomfort. Ok, I understand I have to be careful here. When you are in agonising pain, it’s a bit rich to say work is a good distraction. All I’m saying is a distraction can be useful although the severity of the symptoms at the time may dictate what kind of distraction is appropriate…. Work may be a possibility… or perhaps getting engrossed in a really good documentary on tv or finding someone who really makes you laugh on YouTube… speaking of which, have you seen my youtube page (www.youtube.com/bjorn1974)??? Shameless plug, I know, but my videos do average a 4.5 star rating (all 38 of them). Ain’t bad for an ole cripple like me, eh??

If you’re in real pain and discomfort, more/new medication may be called for or a call to the doctor or someone else who can help. But even in cases of significant discomfort/pain, a little distraction can help. I remember when I was recovering after coming off a ventilator. I was still having blood transfusions, was bed ridden and incredibly weak, medicated up to the max and feeling hideous. I was also incredibly bored - not a good combination with pain. My sister brought me a walkman with a radio and headphones during the brief visiting hours on the post intensive care unit. Such a small thing but what a difference. I was able to distract myself… even in a really bleak place, the situation was made far more bearable…. So yes, DISTRACTION CAN WORK!

Seeing me on YouTube has often been the prompt for that classic healthy man’s comment: “but you don’t seem ill…” But no, I must stop or I’ll never get up for the new day that is tomorrow… More on that little pet peeve later!

Chronic Illness and Work: An Intro

THE OLD YOU

Was this you? Well educated, a career going places perhaps - or at least the potential to go places? The life and soul of the party? Mr/Miss Sporty, Gorgeous, Witty… you fill in the adjective

Did you have plans? Plans to buy a house, an Z class Mercedes, a cottage in the Cotswolds - or the American equivalent (any ideas?)? Find a lovely partner - wonderous and gorgeous and of course successful like you? Then equally wonderous, gorgeous children with names like Ede and Casper no doubt? And after a hardworking youth and perhaps a more entrepreneurial middle age - all making you loads of moolah (that's money for you Americans) - a golden retirement to St Lucia, St Kitts or Cartagena?! Ok, perhaps your plan was a little different to mine. In fact that wasn’t my plan at all - mine would have been altogether more sordid - but I’m trying to appeal to the broadest cross section you understand.

The point is life was good, wasn’t it? Or at least now you realise it was because everything was a possibility and the possibilities were wonderful, wonderbah, wonderlub, fandabbydosey.

CAR CRASH!

That’s the thing about possibilities, they’re uncertain. Things can go crapperrily - very crapperilrily. Like God or fate or whoever/whatever does a big plop on your motoring life or taking the analogy a little further, on your lovely parked car which although not yet moving all that quickly, had unutilised latent capacity that the driver was waiting to unleash in some children’s playgr… I mean, on a racetrack. Note to reader: I’m famous for my naff similies, metaphors, etc… I also know I am oversimplifying things to make a point but too many caveats make for long distracting detours. The thing is you got sick, didn’t you? Suddenly what you took for granted was no longer easy and the difficult things were downright impossible. And the thing that was going to give you all these things you wanted - A GREAT CAREER - now seems the most impossible of all.

Ok, you may be reading this and have no idea what I’m going on about! If that’s the case then lucky lucky you. Next time you’re feeling sorry for yourself, however, and someone says “at least you’ve got your health”, please resist the temptation to roll your eyes as if this is just another piece of hackneyed meaningless advice people just trot out…. because you could be in the second group who have just read what’s written above: those who know exactly how it feels to never be in good health and the effect it has on your life.

This blog is for that second group! If you are one of this group, let me first say “hello!” and encourage you to please come back here - OFTEN! Why? Because I firmly believe that through a mixture of certain essentials - proper support, clever choices - and certain optional elements - retraining, medication, surgery - YOU CAN HAVE A SUCCESSFUL CAREER AND A LIFE WORTH LIVING! What’s more, you can come out the other side as someone stronger, wiser, kinder and with a better view of what’s important in life so that even something as wretched as chronic ill health has its upside… After all, what are the other options available to you? Miserable wallowing? Putting your life on pause until a cure comes along? Self deliverance (that’s uplifting talk for suicide)? Options 1 and 2 are surely pointless. Option 3 has a certain logic but surely only after you’ve tried - and I mean really tried - everything else. And everything else is A LOT!

THIS IS FOR THE HEALTHY PEOPLE TOO...

Let me end with a little note to the healthy, you lucky lucky people, if indeed you are still reading this: Please do come back and check out the blog from from time to time too since…

1. Understanding the incredible extra strain long term ill health places on someone may help you seize the day a little more while appreciating what you’ve got.

2. If there’s anyone in your company or organisation with a long term health condition what you learn here may help you to help them.

3. Hopefully this blog will encourage you to look after your own health and thereby avoid long term problems in the future.

Ok, RANT OVER…. Please come back and by way of totally undermining my credibility, please also check out my nutty little videos at: www.youtube.com/bjorn1974