Distractions Part 2: The Lemon Meditation

Today I started an NHS course (the NHS is the UK’s public health system). It’s called the “Expert Patient’s Programme” and is all about how to self manage chronic illness. I can’t pretend I’m not cynical about it and my first day confirmed some of my preconceptions. That said, after today, I do kind of see how it may help - particularly certain people - and I guess it’s important not to judge after just one session so am going to keep an open mind for the upcoming weeks and see how things go.

The course doesn’t deal with work and chronic illness but it was encouraging - or discouraging if you look at it another way - to note the number of people raising this as an issue and echoing many of my thoughts on the matter. There was general agreement that there is not enough support to help those suffering from long term health conditions into suitable employment. Others also shared my frustration that any help available is contingent on claiming benefits (social security). If you don’t claim, you can’t access the support claimant’s receive… What madness is this? Incentivising people who don’t want/need benefits to claim because that's the only way to get other help? How does this make economic sense, or any other kind of sense for that matter? And what happens where you do apply for these benefits you didn’t want but are turned down because you’ve been prudent and saved for a rainy day? Where do you turn then? Daily champagne buffets at Claridge’s until you’ve run down you’re savings sufficiently to be eligible for benefit? The benefit you didn’t even want? The benefit you’re only claiming to see a career’s adviser who will probably make cooing noises and then suggest you apply for something completely unsuited to your skills…. I’M GOING OFF ON ONE WHICH CAN’T BE VERY GOOD FOR THOSE WHO ARE READING THIS FOR ENCOURAGEMENT THAT FINDING GOOD WORK WITH A CHRONIC ILLNESS IS POSSIBLE. I DO THINK FINDING WORK IS VERY POSSIBLE BY THE WAY (MORE IN LATER POSTS)). ANYWAY, WHAT I/WE NEED IS A DISTRACTION! SO I SAY TO YOU… LEMONS!

At the course today, we learnt something I’m calling the Lemon Meditation. It’s one of those distraction and relaxation techniques and it goes something like this:

Meditation Leader (I don’t know what to call him but he’d been trained in that cooing dove voice that women who wear crushed velvet and crystals in their knickers often have):

“Close your eyes everyone. I want you to imagine you’re holding a lemon, go on…. Imagine where you are. Where are you? Ok, now concentrate on the lemon. You’re feeling the lemon. How does it feel? Ok, good. Now take the lemon and gradually… gradually… gradually… bring it up to your nose. How does it smell? Imagine. Good, you’re doing really well. Now put the lemon to your mouth and take a BITE. Ooo, how does it taste? You feel the juice squirt against the back of your throat, the juice dribbling………………”

I’ve edited it a bit but you get the idea. I understand the logic and perhaps it works but what’s with the lemon? A LEMON? Curious citrus choice, no? Orange would have been more obvious surely. Was there a reason for the choice I wondered? Yes came the reply from Mr Meditation. Ah, ok, I thought - some deep psychotherapy cognitivitytitity thingy going on I didn’t understand. Genius! Mr Meditation continued: “everyone enjoys lemons, lemons are juicy” and… But that was it. And as I looked around the room, no-one was disagreeing - quite the opposite actually - many of the 10 or so participants were nodding in agreement.

Do I need to explain this explicitly? Please tell me I’m not the only one who doesn’t bite into lemons? Is it now common to think of a lemon as common fruit bowl offerings such as banana, apple and orange? Is it that in homes up and down the UK families fight for the prized lemon from the fruit bowl to cleanse the palate after a dinner of lard fried lard with lard? “Oh you know what I could murder? A nice raw whole lemon? I love it how after a good bite, they make your lips look like an arsehole.” Do little children go off to school carrying lunchboxes filled with Kraft cheese slices, MDF dipper sticks and rehomogenated ham shaped into a bear’s face… and that staple - a nice juicy LEMON?! Please, I need to know. This isn’t the Britain I know!

Anyway, the point was distraction and I think I’ve kind of proved I’m rather good at distracting myself… and you know what? It works! Re the meditation, please do try it and get back to me. You are free to substitute the lemon for whatever food stuff you like…. personally I love turnip.