DISTRACTION 3: Dare I say this?

I’m sitting in bed with a £3.50 bottle of prosecco from Lidl. If you’re British and have any self respect, you’re already laughing smugly because afterall there’s nothing an Englishman likes more than feeling superior to his fellow man. In case, however, you’re American - or from that other nation known as the ROW - and think prosecco on a Tuesday night sounds vaguely classy, let me give you a little education.

Lidls is the supermarket for the dispossessed and never hads. Customers are almost always afflicted or downtrodden in some way - a nervous tick, lopsided face, blind with dubious sweater stains and dandruff, a leg dragging along the floor with elephant man boot - and if they happen to seem vaguely healthy then you know they're just there to stack up on cheap Parma ham. Produce is invariably from strange lands where words are joined together - superfrankensaugagedeltfrankenfurts sausages - or written in the squiggles we English speakers naturally distrust. To Americans it may say terrorist, to my mum it means the contents have been packed by people who don’t use toilet paper to wipe their bums. Either way its not good.

The only other thing worth noting about Lidls are the in-store transportation arrangements. Trolleys are obviously a big cost centre given the disincentives for using one and as for something as easily hidden under your blouse as a basket, don't be silly! Therefore your carrying options are:
1. arm cradling - not good when you're prone to sudden involuntary movements. Flying cans of sweetcorn are a constant hazard at Lidls.
2. a bag you’ve brought with you - don't be stupid. Plastic bags are ideal birthday and Christmas presents for your average Lidler and anything more durable is considered worthy of worship in a sacred place.
3. by far the most popular method, a recycled fruit box from the grocery section.

These aforementioned boxes are VERY sought after at Lidls let me tell you and you should therefore expect a fight to get your hands on one. Note normal rules of British courtesy do not apply since the only British people caught dead at Lidls are so fallen as to be the tiniest of steps away from eating their dog (they’ve usually already eaten a child but this invites relatively mild condemnation here in the UK compared to any kind of pet abuse).

And in case you still don’t understand how tragic my bottle of prosecco is, please remember we’re talking about a £3.50 ($6.30) bottle of wine and fizzy wine at that. FIZZY WINE: £3.50. Still don’t see the problem? Okeydokey darling, you enjoy your raffenstablespracht sausage and remember to watch your plastic boot in the fire tonight, won‘t you?

WHAT AM I GOING ON ABOUT?

Got a bit distracted again, didn't I? Can you tell I’ve had a glass or two? My point in all this was not actually supposed to be a supermarket critique but rather my third idea for distracting yourself from chronic illness: ALCOHOL! Yes, yes, yes.... your doctor won’t be happy, experts are probably tutting loudly as they read this but I don’t care. When you’ve got an illness, sometimes a drink - not too often mind - can help and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. When you have a chronic illness, you need and are entitled to a bit of escapism…. Now I'm not saying be irresponsible about this - absolutely not -just a little tipple now and then can be medicinal, that's all... If your doctor disagrees, tell him to contact me!

Oh and might I present a little revisionism on the Lidl thing.... I've suddenly been filled with a flush of affection for the place, perhaps that's what the third glass of £3.50 prosecco does to you. You know what? I kinda like no organic option, the opportunity to shop with my fellow sufferers, surprise items like a £9.99 Union Jack gazebo come plastic barbeque.... And lest we forget the cheap Parma ham. "Lidls: the ill person's choice..." What do you think?????